23/02/10 11:57
February 23, 2010: FEEDING MY SOUL
I have been searching my soul for purpose. “What will I do and what will I achieve in this brief Mayfly existence we are given?” You see, I am scattered and tugged in so many directions – most of which I like. I love my husband most of all, and our time is precious and I jealously guard it against intrusion. I love all of our 30 something pets – many planned (like the Salukis, Pele’ our Rag Doll cat, and Jabask, our 15 year old Arab gelding), but many more have been rescued (like our other 14 cats, mule Mags, Arab mare Skylyr, goat Nanny, Chihuahua Pedro, skunk Slaggy, etc.). In as much as they live with us and all depend upon us, I must give them the time and attention they deserve, and must work (outside of the home – meager art skill don’t pay the bills!) to earn the money needed for their food and care. I even like (not always – but usually) my job. I develop curriculums and train staff who work with people who have developmental disabilities. Last year I traveled all over the state delivering presentations such as one supporting people to lead more meaningful lives, Train the Trainer, and several one-time offerings. It is fun, and I am outgoing and I think it is my career niche. But to feed my soul . . . .
In September my brother-in-law succumbed to a battle with mental illness secondary to a long-time addiction to crack cocaine. He leaped to his demise from atop the Madison, Indiana / Milton, Kentucky bridge which spans the Ohio. He and I had grown close, and he confided in me all of his regrets, which were many. He was most sorry that he did not chose to work at doing what would ‘feed his soul’. He had discovered flying at a very young age when he attended military academy at Culver. It was always his dream to make his living flying a plane. But, he thought the sacrifices required by the natural course of military enlistment would be too much for him, so he took his brilliant mind and instead went to Purdue and majored in engineering. Degree in hand, he began working on off-shore oil platforms, but became disenchanted when he discovered corporate cover up of environmental infractions. So what did he then do? He went back to school and secured a second degree in environmental law to fight the companies he had worked for. He eventually pursued a career as an environmental lobbyist, and worked in Al Gore’s presidential campaign. Here was a job that did ‘feed his soul’. But as sometimes happens, he became involved with the wrong crowd, and then became the wrong crowd, and when the campaign failed, he chucked his altruistic endeavors. He recreated himself again and became a corporate attorney – pursuing the money that would feed his drug and lifestyle addiction, at the expense of the job that made him proud of himself. Long story short, his drug addiction eventually precipitated the loss of EVERYTHING – job, beautiful, vivacious wife, his self-esteem, and his clear mind. He could never forgive himself for the bad choices he made along the way, and he wrecked the receptors in his brain that acknowledge pleasure, leaving him in an often delusional, deep depression. Many psychiatric inpatient stays ensued, culminating in his suicide. He told me how badly he wished that he had just became a pilot – even one who didn’t make tons of money. If not a pilot, he wished so that he had he remained with Earth Justice – where he felt he could make a difference, even at a paltry income. Then perhaps he would feel his life was worthwhile. So when I stood to talk at his funeral, I told everyone that Jimmy would say, if he were there, “Feed your soul!”
My soul isn’t starved, but perhaps a bit malnourished. I went on an introspective journey to discover what I need to do to assure my soul is satisfied, if not sated. I explored advanced education – something that would make me a better trainer, that would help my organization at this time to save money and be more effective – teaching more people at less expense. I looked at and even became excited by the possibility of securing a distance education Master of Sciences degree in Instructional Design and Technology. This, I thought, would be such a win-win. I could apply what I was learning immediately at work and save the state thousands of dollars by making us more effective and technologically savvy. Obviously, I couldn’t get my tuition paid for (hey, I work for the State!), but perhaps I could get some work time to devote to this study – maybe 10 hours a week. That seemed reasonable, since I have dedicated lots of work time reading work-related books that I have purchased as well as work-related articles that I and others had found. This would just be formalized education with a clearer path from here to there. But, unlike people in the private sector of industry, no allowance could be made for me to use some of my work time to pursue this work-related education. Against policy - even if it would make me a better employee, benefit my department, and I would be paying for it myself.
Before receiving word that my advanced education proposal wasn’t going to be met with open arms, accommodations, and a pat on the back, I had done some soul searching. Based on what I would learn, I would make my decision as to whether I would dedicate the time (and considerable money) to getting my Master’s Degree. What would be my Plan “B” to satisfy my yearning to be more productive? It took almost NO thought to know what Plan B would be – I would stop whining about too little time and seriously pursue my art. If I couldn’t better myself for work at work, I would better myself for myself at home. Very little in life makes me happier than the realization of a piece, whether it is something that has been incubating in my mind for months like “Swim at Your Own Risk”, or something as simple as a stained glass night light. Obviously, I am never going to be the ‘young upcoming’ artist that I had dreamed of being in my fantasy musing of days gone by (simply because too many days have gone by). But even as an artist near 50, perhaps I have something to give – something that will entertain and amuse – provoke emotion and thought. And so, because when one door closes another opens, I am rededicating myself – here today – to becoming an artist. Not simply an occasional portrait painter who dabbles in doodling on the side, but a serious artist who creates art for art’s sake.
I have always been inspired by other artists. Visiting the Salvador Dali museum in St. Pete this fall was fantastic and made me want to pick up a brush. I recently visited the local Madison artist Patty Cooper Wells at http://secretcircus.com She has a fabulous style and a way to bend one’s mood to her will. The artist Wendy Vaughn at http://www.animal-art.com has skill and whimsy unrivaled by any I have seen. I may not have the skill of any of these folks, but I can do things that make people think – that make people feel – not just things that tickle ones memory of what a bat (dog, horse, hawk) looks like, but something that solicits empathy and emotion. Now, for the second half of my life – I am pledging to actually become an artist. I will Feed My Soul on art supplies as long as my soul has the craving. So, watch for more Stuff on this website!
Thanks, and have a blessed day
Cindie Underwood-Vanderbur
I have been searching my soul for purpose. “What will I do and what will I achieve in this brief Mayfly existence we are given?” You see, I am scattered and tugged in so many directions – most of which I like. I love my husband most of all, and our time is precious and I jealously guard it against intrusion. I love all of our 30 something pets – many planned (like the Salukis, Pele’ our Rag Doll cat, and Jabask, our 15 year old Arab gelding), but many more have been rescued (like our other 14 cats, mule Mags, Arab mare Skylyr, goat Nanny, Chihuahua Pedro, skunk Slaggy, etc.). In as much as they live with us and all depend upon us, I must give them the time and attention they deserve, and must work (outside of the home – meager art skill don’t pay the bills!) to earn the money needed for their food and care. I even like (not always – but usually) my job. I develop curriculums and train staff who work with people who have developmental disabilities. Last year I traveled all over the state delivering presentations such as one supporting people to lead more meaningful lives, Train the Trainer, and several one-time offerings. It is fun, and I am outgoing and I think it is my career niche. But to feed my soul . . . .
In September my brother-in-law succumbed to a battle with mental illness secondary to a long-time addiction to crack cocaine. He leaped to his demise from atop the Madison, Indiana / Milton, Kentucky bridge which spans the Ohio. He and I had grown close, and he confided in me all of his regrets, which were many. He was most sorry that he did not chose to work at doing what would ‘feed his soul’. He had discovered flying at a very young age when he attended military academy at Culver. It was always his dream to make his living flying a plane. But, he thought the sacrifices required by the natural course of military enlistment would be too much for him, so he took his brilliant mind and instead went to Purdue and majored in engineering. Degree in hand, he began working on off-shore oil platforms, but became disenchanted when he discovered corporate cover up of environmental infractions. So what did he then do? He went back to school and secured a second degree in environmental law to fight the companies he had worked for. He eventually pursued a career as an environmental lobbyist, and worked in Al Gore’s presidential campaign. Here was a job that did ‘feed his soul’. But as sometimes happens, he became involved with the wrong crowd, and then became the wrong crowd, and when the campaign failed, he chucked his altruistic endeavors. He recreated himself again and became a corporate attorney – pursuing the money that would feed his drug and lifestyle addiction, at the expense of the job that made him proud of himself. Long story short, his drug addiction eventually precipitated the loss of EVERYTHING – job, beautiful, vivacious wife, his self-esteem, and his clear mind. He could never forgive himself for the bad choices he made along the way, and he wrecked the receptors in his brain that acknowledge pleasure, leaving him in an often delusional, deep depression. Many psychiatric inpatient stays ensued, culminating in his suicide. He told me how badly he wished that he had just became a pilot – even one who didn’t make tons of money. If not a pilot, he wished so that he had he remained with Earth Justice – where he felt he could make a difference, even at a paltry income. Then perhaps he would feel his life was worthwhile. So when I stood to talk at his funeral, I told everyone that Jimmy would say, if he were there, “Feed your soul!”
My soul isn’t starved, but perhaps a bit malnourished. I went on an introspective journey to discover what I need to do to assure my soul is satisfied, if not sated. I explored advanced education – something that would make me a better trainer, that would help my organization at this time to save money and be more effective – teaching more people at less expense. I looked at and even became excited by the possibility of securing a distance education Master of Sciences degree in Instructional Design and Technology. This, I thought, would be such a win-win. I could apply what I was learning immediately at work and save the state thousands of dollars by making us more effective and technologically savvy. Obviously, I couldn’t get my tuition paid for (hey, I work for the State!), but perhaps I could get some work time to devote to this study – maybe 10 hours a week. That seemed reasonable, since I have dedicated lots of work time reading work-related books that I have purchased as well as work-related articles that I and others had found. This would just be formalized education with a clearer path from here to there. But, unlike people in the private sector of industry, no allowance could be made for me to use some of my work time to pursue this work-related education. Against policy - even if it would make me a better employee, benefit my department, and I would be paying for it myself.
Before receiving word that my advanced education proposal wasn’t going to be met with open arms, accommodations, and a pat on the back, I had done some soul searching. Based on what I would learn, I would make my decision as to whether I would dedicate the time (and considerable money) to getting my Master’s Degree. What would be my Plan “B” to satisfy my yearning to be more productive? It took almost NO thought to know what Plan B would be – I would stop whining about too little time and seriously pursue my art. If I couldn’t better myself for work at work, I would better myself for myself at home. Very little in life makes me happier than the realization of a piece, whether it is something that has been incubating in my mind for months like “Swim at Your Own Risk”, or something as simple as a stained glass night light. Obviously, I am never going to be the ‘young upcoming’ artist that I had dreamed of being in my fantasy musing of days gone by (simply because too many days have gone by). But even as an artist near 50, perhaps I have something to give – something that will entertain and amuse – provoke emotion and thought. And so, because when one door closes another opens, I am rededicating myself – here today – to becoming an artist. Not simply an occasional portrait painter who dabbles in doodling on the side, but a serious artist who creates art for art’s sake.
I have always been inspired by other artists. Visiting the Salvador Dali museum in St. Pete this fall was fantastic and made me want to pick up a brush. I recently visited the local Madison artist Patty Cooper Wells at http://secretcircus.com She has a fabulous style and a way to bend one’s mood to her will. The artist Wendy Vaughn at http://www.animal-art.com has skill and whimsy unrivaled by any I have seen. I may not have the skill of any of these folks, but I can do things that make people think – that make people feel – not just things that tickle ones memory of what a bat (dog, horse, hawk) looks like, but something that solicits empathy and emotion. Now, for the second half of my life – I am pledging to actually become an artist. I will Feed My Soul on art supplies as long as my soul has the craving. So, watch for more Stuff on this website!
Thanks, and have a blessed day
Cindie Underwood-Vanderbur